Blended Family Talk

Although I am very new to the whole blended family situation, I have become almost obsessive about finding out more information on the topic of blended families and step parenting. The following are 5 tips that seem to be helping me so far. Hopefully, you will give them some thought and as always, your feedback is more than welcome.

1. 100% Communication with Your Partner
I have learned the best way to stay above water is by communicating with my partner as much as possible regarding his children. The kids don’t always like it because they like to try to play us against each other. I nipped that in the bud recently when I took his teenage daughter shopping. I was given strict instructions to not give her the money and to not allow her to buy another pair of sneakers. Near the end of the shopping trip, she chimed in that she had spoken with her dad and he said it was okay to spend the rest of the money on another pair of gym shoes. I decided to give him a quick call myself, while she was away, and found this to not be true. When she was confronted with the lie she told, yes she was upset. I quietly explained to her that she was in the wrong for lying and she had no reason to be upset. I only did this to teach her a lesson and let her know that she could not manipulate me or try to play her father and me against each other.

2. Not Letting Step Children Talk Back
Once it starts, there is no need for it to ever stop.  When I first started hanging out with my significant other’s children, they were generally nice.  As some time went by, I noticed that his youngest was doing a lot of talking back, then running away He also started challenging me and talking back under his breath when his dad was not around.  Instead of trying to discipline him myself, I had a long talk with his father.  I let him know that I would not tolerate back talk or rude behavoir from his children.  We both agreed that this was not acceptable.  He had a talk with his kids, but the behavoir was still there.  I usually spend the entire weekend with them, but one weekend, I decided to go solo and let the the three of them be alone. I felt I needed to actively state my position on the back talking and that I was not going to be around to tolerate it.  The message was read loud and clear, and all of the talking back has ceased and desisted.

3.  Commuication and Patience
I realize that it is not always easy for kids, especially teens, to express themselves.  However, I have found that with a little patience and maybe a conversation, off to the side, can get you a long way with step kids.

4.  The Art of Not Being a Pushover
It’s hard to come into a ready made family experience.  You want the kids to like you, but I don’t think it’s doing anyone a service by being a pushover.  Trust that if you are too giving in the beginning, the kids may start to take advantage of you.  Gently asseting your authority as an ‘adult’ will give everyone a better family experience.  Just like you have to earn your trust with the children, I feel they have to do the same.

5.  Not Taking Over the Role of the Discipliner
I do not, under any cirsumstances, discipline my significant other’s kids. I did, on one occassion, when he asked me to and immediately regretted it.  His teen daughter had done something completely outrageous, right under our noses, and he was so upset, he needed me to intervene.  In retrospect, I now wish I had stayed out of it; maybe advising him on the situation and how to talk to her, instead of being the one to do the talking.  I sometimes feel the biological parent my want someone else to step in and do the parenting, while they stay on ‘friend status’ with the child.  I think it is strictly the biological parent’s duty and reponsibility to do all disciplining for their kids.