It’s not abnormal for the children of the new couple to not always get along.  Internal strife among the children may even increase after a wedding announcement.  After all, children can be very territorial too.Â

It is imperative that couples do much preparation before the nuptials, to ensure a happy wedding day for all.  After all, new blended families often feel like a whirlwind.  Children of divorce are usually traumatized, so impending nuptials may not be such a happy event for them.  To be honest, the kids could start to feel traumatized once again.  However, keeping calm along with rules and boundaries may help in this delicate situation.

On the positive note, try involving the children in the various wedding activities and always assuring them that they are loved.  I sometimes feel children are much more resilient than adults, and they are able to bounce back emotionally.  Another idea is to also include the children in your wedding vows.

BlendedFamilyTalk.com has recently received a lot of good feedback regarding our last post on whether you would consider adopting outside your race.  We have been contacted by producers at a major network station who are putting together a new reality show about Blended Interacial Families.  The network is looking for a dynamic, large family, who has ideally come together within  the last year.  If you feel this is your family or anything similiar, please contact us at info@BlendedFamilyTalk.com or use our Contact Form here, so we can connect ou with the casting directors of this very special project.  If you feel like you have something to contribute to this project, we would love to hear from you.

Since then, Hollywood has followed their lead with Madonna adopting a boy from Africa.  So the question I have for this post is: “Would you adopt outside of your race, even though you have your own children?  There are many things to consider; cultural differences, language, social status, the child’s personal needs, the list goes on.  If you adopt a Black or Asian child, are you hurting them by taking them out of the environment they are familiar with?   Or, are you helping them by showing them another side of life and a brighter future?

With all of that being said, I believe I would do so if the opportunity presents itself.  Why?  I think God put us here to co-exist with each other and to teach each other life lessons.

What are your thoughts on this subject?  We would really like to know.

Enough said.

You’ve met your soul mate and are so grateful to get this second chance at love.  Your siginificant other has a child or children of their own, and you love them like your own.  The next logical step would be to consider adopting your step kids, especially if the biological parents are no longer in the picture.Â

Adoption is never easy, but a whole new set of rules apply to adopting stepkids. Generally, a step parent may adopt their step children only in the situation where the other biological parent has given up the rights to the child or has passed away. For example, if a woman has two children and she remarries then the new husband and step dad will only be able to adopt the step children if the biological father gives up his parental rights or is no longer alive. Also, there are some situations where a step parent may adopt a step child even without the consent of the biological parent if that parent has not had contact with the child for some period of time as well as other reasons. As a matter of fact, adoption of step children is strictly prohibited in Australia.Â

The very first thing you will need to do is talk about the adoption with your spouse and the child. However, I would suggest having a long, heart felt talk with yourself to see if your really up to the challenge.  Remember when actress, Halle Berry was married to R and B singer, Eric Benet?  Benet was a widower with a then 11 year old daughter.  Before the couple wed, Halle often spoke of adopting Benet’s daughter since the little gir’s mother was deceased, but this is something that never happened during the 2 year marriage.  After the couple divorce, Eric bitterly complained that Halle had cut off all ties with his daughter and that she didn’t deserve to be treated like this.  Unfortunately, Benet was right and his daughter was left to deal with the pain on her own.  Find out how the entire family feels about the adoption and if the child really likes the idea as well. Remember that this will impact the childs life so make his opinion on the subject the most important.   Make sure you always are always putting the child’s best intentions first.

Your next step would be to speak with an adoption lawyer in your state who is aware of the protocol for step parents adopting step children. Gather all the necessary information and prepare for some challenges along the way especially if the biological parent does not give consent despite not taking part in the childs life. A step parent wanting to adopt a step child is a very special thing indeed. Although it can take a lot of effort, time, and money, if it is something that means a lot to you and the step child then keep working at it. Eventually the adoption will take place and the new family can live happily ever after.

Being a stepparent can be difficult. You have much of the same responsibilities of a parent, but not the acknowledgement of being one by many people or the recognition by anyone. I am very blessed that I have a supportive mate who treats me as an equal parent with him. I am acknowledged for my parenting skills by my him and he respects my opinion.  Of course, the same repect is not given on the bilogical mother’s side.  Unfortunately, I am starting to suspect that she is purposely being counter-productive of our efforts as soon as he drops his kids off, which is a shame for them.

Even though you I may not get the acknowledgement from that child’s other parent, we are determined to not let it take anything away from our home. Forming a relationship with a child who you did not give birth to takes much more effort than what a “natural” parent must put forth, but when that love is offered to you from your stepchild, it gives it a special meaning for that same reason. Acknowledgement from the same sex other parent isn’t important. It doesn’t have any impact on my relationship with my stepchildren and that is more important to me. My life with my stepchildren doesn’t revolve around what the other same gender parent thinks of me.

I’ve sometimes been the “parent” my stepdaughter has come to with something she didn’t feel comfortable talking to her biological parents about.  When my stepdaughter presents questions to me (like questions about boys, are we starting a new family, why don’t we all live together), this indicates to me that te kids are starting to trust me.

Present a united front to the children. This is very important so the children do not play one against the other. If you and your spouse disagree on a topic, do not discuss it in front of the children. Tell the children you will need to discuss it and that you will let them know later. Also, check with your significant other if you are asked something from your stepchild that you are unsure you should agree to (and vice versa). My stepchildren have tried a few times to ask me something that I refuse and then go to their father and ask him for the same thing! When this happens, correct the situation immediately. My husband always supports a decision I have made if the children try to come to him after already being told “no” by me and vice versa. Biological children do the same thing. It isn’t a “step” situation only.

If your stepchild comes to you about a problem with their other parent (mother or father), encourage them to discuss it with that other parent themselves. Perhaps you could offer suggestions to them on how to broach the subject, but try not to step in and do it for them (unless the child is being harmed or could be harmed). The child will probably have better luck resolving the issue with the other parent themselves rather than you stepping in and creating a situation where the other parent rejects the input/problem just because YOU broached the subject (does he/she say “black” when you say “white”?).

Never talk negatively about your stepchild’s other parent no matter how tempting! Keep negative comments about an ex-significant other between your spouse and yourself.  I personally, don’t do it at all.  If my mate says anything about his ex, I do not respond either way. I just listen to him.  However, this is something that reaely happens as he is a very positive person.  It will hurt the children to hear negative comments about their other parent, even if it is the truth.

View your stepchild as an individual. It may be hard at times to look at them and see their other parent staring back at you. Learn to separate the child from their other parent. This may be hard to do in the beginning but you can do it! Look for the qualities in your stepchild that came from your significant other. He/she does have half the genes of that person.

Support your stepchild’s relationship with his/her other parent. We encourage the kids to have cards, etc. for their bilogical mom on Mother’s Day, etc.  I am currently working on getting my mate to celebrate the kids birthdays together, with their bilogical mother.  This is something they don’t do right now, but I think it would be great for the future.  She doesn’t do anything like this for me but that doesn’t matter. Who will have the children’s respect when they are old enough to understand that despite everything, their dad and stepmom still didn’t act hateful?

This is OUR family, just as you have YOUR OWN family. People can only do what you allow them to do to you. We just try to be as stable as possible with his kids and we refuse to let anyone break up our happiness and home.

We hope you enjoyed this article from BlendedFamilyTalk.com and encourage your comments.

As if being the new member in a blended family isn’t hard enough, it’s all the more difficult if the kids tend to like a lot or be sneaky about a lot of things. My significant other’s daughter tends to lie a lot.  He remains in denial because I’m sure he feels guilt about not being able to be with his kids full time anymore, but I don’t feel he is doing her a service by letting her get away with lying all the time.  I feel it teaches her to be dishonest.  She is so used to getting away with it because of the lack of comminication between her mom and dad.  However, we saw proof of how much damage she could cause this summer with all the lying and sneakiness.

I simply don’t tolerate it.  I call her on it each and everytime she does it. I explained to her that she is cheating herself of good relationships with other people with all of the lying. It makes her a nontrustworthy person.  I don’t know if the talk will sink in just hope, but I want it to be clear to her that she cannot disrupt our household by causing silly dram and lying all the time.  Luckily, my mate is very open with me and we are currently working on making our family bonds stronger than ever.  The kids will just have to get with the program.

2.  Love should instantly occur between step parents and stepchildren
Although you are madly in love with your new partner, this may not automatically apply to stepchildren.  Likewise, the children may not love you even though you are a nice person.  Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hurtful to want a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.  Blended family relationships may evolve easier if you approach it with minimal and realistic expectations.

3.  Step parents are usually wicked.
Fairy tales have taught children that step parents, particularily step mothers, are wicked.  Although you may be a good person in other aspects of your life, it is not abnormal to feel like you are failing as a step parent.  Just know that this is not a refelction on your character when you are doing the right things.

4.  Adjusting to a blended family comes quickly.
New couples are optimistic about their newfound love and want their family members to share in their joy.  However, it can take longer for stepchildren to form loving bonds, and positive relationships.

5.  Part-time blended families are easier.
When step children are on a scheduled visitation, such as every other weekend, there is not enough one on one time for the stepparent, stepchild bonding.  Part time step families can take longer moving through the process of adjustment.